i don’t wanna adult today.
I’ve said it here and there on different social media with the funny memes and graphics but these past two weeks it’s been less of a joke. I’ve meant it more than ever. Sometimes being the adult is hard, scary and overwhelming. Add to that being a parent with a sick child and well…some days you just don’t wanna.
“I can’t breathe.”
Those are the words I woke up to at 3am from my 5 year old a little over 2 weeks ago. He has been battling his normal seasonal allergies but had developed a fever to boot. My mom diagnosis had been a spring cold. So when he sat up and whispered those words I thought he was congested at the most. I stayed up a with him the rest of the night watching him in a restless sleep. First thing in the morning we were on our way to the pediatrician.
I told her he was going on day 3 of a fever and seemed to really be congested and having trouble breathing. I assumed it was nasal congestion. They did the normal triage: pressure weight temp etc. Then they did something extra. A blood oxygen level test. I’d seen it recently when my oldest daughter had surgery and had been told that 95% was as low as they like it to be. My Buddie was at 94%.
Moderate acute asthma is characterized by an oxygen saturation level of 92% to 95%, a pulse of 100 to 125 beats per minute (in children older than 5 years) or 120 to 140 beats per minute (in children 2 to 5 years of age), a respiratory rate of 20 to 30 breaths per minute (in children older than 5 years) or 30 to 40 … Source
At the time, I wasn’t exactly sure what it meant but I knew it wasn’t good. The doctor came in and told me he was not suffering from a cold or congestion or even allergy symptoms at all. No she said that he was in the middle of having an Asthma Flare.
Asthma.
I hadn’t heard that word since he was 2. Back then I brought him in for a dry hacking cough. The cough sounded like a dog bark which normally means whooping cough (my oldest son had that when he was 2). That’s the first time anyone mentioned asthma. They didn’t tell me the how or why it was asthma and not anything else. I honestly didn’t care at the moment I just knew my son needed help. He was given a round of steroids and sent home with a nebulizer machine. He took treatments every 4 hours for about 3 days. We had a follow up and all was clear. Colds and allergies came and went. We never heard the word asthma again. Until now.
I sat holding my Buddie as the doctor brought out the familiar yellow machine and slipped that mask over his face. On the inside I was in full panic mode but for his sake I remained calm. I kept repeating to myself: He was fine. I needed to be fine. He was fine. Somewhere in there I heard the doctor telling me we needed get his oxygen levels higher. After the in office treatment he would need a round of treatments every 4 hours at home plus 2 days on steroids.
I called my husband and told him all of what was going on. All I kept thinking was I could have put him at risk the night before because I assumed it was a cold. What could have happened! All because I thought I knew. Now I sat here and listened to much of the same things they’d said nearly 3 years ago. It was asthma. He needed to rest a few days. Schedule a follow-up. Still much of the same was missing.
How could I know when it was asthma and not something far less scary? How could I make that parent judgement call to what was an emergency and what was not? Why had no one taught me these symptoms and terms when he was diagnosed at 2? After those first treatments and follow-ups I was told he was doing well. To just keep an eye out for that cough and that was it. He never had that cough again. So he never had asthma again…right? Wrong. Wrong because now I’m here wondering what may have happened because I just didn’t know enough!
At that moment I didn’t wanna adult – I didn’t want to be the parent – I just wanted to be the mommy. To hold him and make it all better. Simple. This was not simple at all. The terms, medical jargon – things were feeling overwhelming. Who decided parents should make these medical decisions without full knowledge? I avoid Google like the plague when it comes to sick Kiddies because I always end up thinking we are all moments away from death. I call the doctor only when I feel I’ve done all I can. Was I wrong? I couldn’t just be mommy. I had to adult. I am the parent and as his mommy I had to do this. I needed to know and understand but most important for me – I needed to have a plan.
I have to.
I sat up, took a deep breath and I told her. I told her I was not leaving until she gave me a crash course in all things asthma. I needed to know every sign that he was in trouble and what my response should be. I needed to know and I needed to know it NOW before I left this office to adult on my own.
She saw my frustration and apologized for other people’s mistakes. I saw it in her eyes. A mix of helpfulness and sympathy. She knew I was barely holding it together but she gave me the dignity of not acknowledging it in front of my son. She stood there and for the next 30 minutes told me all I needed to make sure my son never had a situation I couldn’t handle. I was grateful overwhelmed and exhausted.
My adult is logical and needs information. Not knowing is painful. Being caught unaware is torture. Asthma caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready and it almost took me out. It made my adult want to run and hide but she couldn’t. She’s more than just an adult now. She’s a mom. That is a responsibility I will not fail to keep. So yeah. I don’t always wanna adult today but I will. I have to.
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16 thoughts on “i don’t wanna adult today”
My son struggled with asthma, albeit mild, and eventually outgrew it. You will do fine learning to manage your child's illness. Inhaled low-dose corticosteroids are the typical first-line treatment, along with a rescue inhaler. If you can get rid of any carpeting in your home, that would help too. For my son, seasonal infections in November typically brought on an attack. You be a pro before you know it. Message me if you have any questions. Good luck!
Oh I am so hoping he outgrows it too Heather. Hoping beyond hope. Yes, that is the way they went with my son as well. Luckily most of our home is hardwood so we have that on our side. Thank you so much for the tips and encouragement. I truly appreciate it!!
This would be absolutely terrifying! I have asthma so I know what it looks like, but not in a child. I'll have to do some research now. I'm so thankful your son is okay and that they caught it. Best wishes to you momma.
I think my not knowing in the moment and then finding out after was what terrified me the most. Thank you so much for you well wishes Kristen and for coming by!
There were a lot of days when I was raising my children I didn't want to adult either. But we put our big girl panties on and get it done, that is why they call us Mommy.
exactly!! It’s one of those things we have to simply get over and get done.
I'm so sorry to hear this! I have siblings who have kids and I know how nerve-wracking it can be when their kids suddenly encounter sickness. Kudos to you though for braving it through! Motherhood really requires a lot of strength and you're not short of that.
Thank you Aileen. It was definitely a bit of a scare but I\’m so glad I can say I walked away with a lesson and the knowledge I need. Thank you so much!!
Wow, this is such a stressful situation for both you and your little love. So glad it all worked out in the end and you got the necessary medical intervention that you really needed. There are so many times when I don't want to be an adult or parent, especially when my kiddos are hurt or sick. Would love to just be able to take a break and hide under the covers all day long.
Thank you Amanda. I am so happy we caught everything without anything too serious happening. It was scary but definitely worth it to have the knowledge I have now. Yes, that is exactly how I felt but I am happy to know I can find the strength when I need it most.
Being an adult and parent is definitely not as care-free as I had envisioned it as a child. So sorry that you're facing the asthma monster! It's so hard to know when you're making the right call as Dr. Mom.
No. Not even close. LOL…I think we all may have underestimated what it really takes. Thank yo so much. We know more and we are doing better in controlling it thankfully.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s so easy to make mistakes parenting. I love your top image. That is how I feel many days. My nephew had asthma and I watched my sister go through it all. Hugs
Thank you Carol! I feel a lot better and I’m definitely glad I learned more about asthma and how to deal with it minus the stress. Thanks again 😀
Two of my grandchildren have asthma. This is a rough time of year for those with asthma with all the hayfever and pollen making it worse. My daughter was in a panic too when she first learned about her children but has become keen at recognizing the symptoms. I know you wish you didn't have to, but you're a great Mom. You'll be able to put your baby's worries at ease knowing you've educated yourself and know what to do and what to watch for. As a 50 something, I can attest, there are plenty of times I don't want to adult and that's ok too. 😉
Oh Goodness.. I think this is such a hard thing for kids especially at this time of year! I am getting much better at knowing and recognizing the symptoms and signs he may be in trouble. I thin kit was just overwhelming at first. To think I may have put him at risk. Thank you so much!