During the majority of my pregnancy I played a weird game of Hide & Seek with both my family and friends. I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself for what I saw as letting everyone down by becoming another statistic that I did everything I could to avoid them.
My pregnancy was anything but easy. I had nausea from Day 1 and it carried through for what felt like my entire pregnancy. I didn’t have ‘morning’ sickness I had ALL DAY sickness. Smells, the way food looked, it’s texture… anything would send me running to the nearest bathroom. Through it all my Grandmother was there. She would feed me broken up Saltines (the oldest remedy ever…which did absolutely nothing for me), bring me tea to try to settle my stomach and even hold my hair back as both items made their reappearance shortly after.
Leave It To Grandma
Having such a bad case of nausea was not easy but when you factor in that I still had nearly 4 months of my Senior Year left to complete before graduation. Add to that my desire not to tell ANYone in my school about my pregnancy and I was in for a rough time ahead. I was so fearful of the looks and gossip that would follow me throughout the day at school that it was the last thing I wanted to announce to anyone.
My Grandmother understood and somehow (I still don’t know what she said) she convinced my All Girl Catholic School Nun of a Principal to not only allow me to continue attending and finish out my Senior Year as normal but to also keep my pregnancy known only among the staff, to allow me unlimited access to the sick room and a provide me a permanent Hall Pass in case I had to make a run for it during a class.
Hall Pass in hand I made my way to school everyday. Yes, EVERYday. My Grandmother insisted I didn’t make my pregnancy or my All Day Sickness an excuse to fall behind or slack off. So she would come wake me up and off we would go with my trusty plastic bag (just in case) in tow for the ride. Yet with her help and her persistent support, I made it. I finished those 4 months and walked down that aisle to get my diploma. Not only did I graduate but I graduated with Honors. We Did It! I graduated just like my Grandmother said I would.
Hide & Seek Part II
Now came the other part…the having my baby and being a Mother part. I made it out of High School without anyone knowing I was pregnant. Graduation day I was a pale reflection of myself and oh so skinny but pregnancy was the farthest thing from anyone’s mind. In fact the 2 (and only) friends I finally told right before my due date were shocked speechless to find out I was pregnant during school.
Once I finished High School I spent my entire summer perfecting my game of Hide & Seek. Family and friends would ask about me and try to seek me out at home but somehow I was able to stay one step ahead of everyone. Now my family knew that I was pregnant. There was no secret there. I even had a baby shower but only a choice few actually attended. I went to church with them nearly 4 times out of the week. Yet instead of trying to hide the pregnancy itself I tried to hide my guilt about it.
Forgiven Yet Not Forgotten
As a Christian, I knew that God forgave me the instant I asked. In my heart I knew that the sexual act I had committed to get where I was had been long forgiven and as far as God was concerned – forgotten. Yet there are times that God’s people fail to be as forgiving as He is. This was what I was hiding from. The stares, whispers and even blatant questions as to my salvation that came up whenever I forgot to hide.
At the suggestion of my Grandmother and in agreement with my Pastor at the time I no longer sang in the choir, no longer lead Praise & Worship, no longer ushered…I simply No Longered. I made every attempt to blend into a pew when I attended and if I could slip by my Grandmother’s view I would try not attend at all by spending the majority of the service in the dining hall.
Whenever I did attend I could instantly feel the looks, hear the voices and honestly it would hurt. Almost physically. Why if God had forgiven me and released me from my sin could these people who called themselves my family and brothers and sisters in the church not do the same? Had they forgotten that we all have fallen short? That’s when I heard the whisper. The familiar one I’d missed for so long…’Yet Grace’.
With Grace By My Side
It wasn’t until I began to pray again. To worship again in my secret place that I realized I had Grace on my side. Yes, I’d sinned. I’d fallen short. BUT my pregnancy was a result of the act not a continuation of it. I was no longer sinning I was simply carrying my baby to term as any other mother. So why should I remain in hiding? Why should I carry on this silly game of Hide & Seek I had fought so hard to perfect over the previous 6 months?
It was then I stopped hiding. I could be happy. I was allowed to be excited about my baby and my pregnancy because the sin was gone and my baby was coming and he a blessing. He was my blessing. When he was born that November and I looked into his eyes for the first time I knew that he was mine and I was his. I made my son a promise that day….
“I Will NEVER Leave You“
Why That Promise?
Learn the answer in the next part of
Finding My True Path… {a series}
Have you read the rest of my story? Read them here:
Finding My True Path…{a series}
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique – build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
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- I Never Went To Prom – Will A Fashion Show Do? – May 1, 2021
- Cape Fear Regional Theatre – Best In The House – May 1, 2021
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