As a child I knew there were reasons I was being raised by my Grandmother. I knew some of those reasons were either beyond my understanding or simply never going to be fully shared with me. Still, in my heart the only thing I felt was that I had been left.
This feeling was the driving force behind a promise I made to my son the day he was born: “I will never leave you”. To me anything I’d done up to that moment was on me and I didn’t want him to carry or feel responsible for any of it. I wanted him to be able to grow up with one firm fact-I would always be there.
Growing Up
I lived in the same home until I was 25 years old and although my mother moved rather often it was never farther than a 10-15 minute drive.
My grandmother would make sure throughout my childhood that I saw her and visited with my sisters as often as possible. Yet there were also times when she did the opposite and kept me away whether she felt it was for my emotional stability or simply due to her lack of comfort with whatever my mother’s current living situation was.
I’ve often said how strict and firm my Grandmother’s moral standards and beliefs are and this never changed. My mother no longer attended church and lived her life as she pleased but when or if my Grandmother felt there was something she didn’t feel I needed to be around she would not hesitate to ‘protect’ me from it. It could be something as minimal as cursing. It didn’t matter, if she saw it has being harmful to me I was not going to be around it.
During these times of seeing my mother then not seeing her I began to feel even more that she chose her life and what she had with my sisters and step-father over being a Mother to me. Why would she wait for my Grandmother to bring me to her? Why did she always have my sisters but never pick me up? Why did she miss birthdays and school events? Why did she leave?
I would see her around town with my sisters and wonder why they got to have her everyday and I was no more than an after thought. As an adult of course I know this is probably less than true. There were probably days she longed for me as much as I did her. I realize now that she missed me during those times yet as a child not being told that or even chosen over what I perceived as her ‘new life’ made that hard to hold onto.
Teenage Interpretations
When I became a teenager, my Mother actually approached me and asked if I wanted to move in with her. By this time my longing, that vacancy for a mother had been fully encompassed by my love for and by my Grandmother. She had been that daily support, encouragement and Mother I needed when I needed it – always. That little girl who ached for her mother wasn’t there anymore. I could see her in town now and simply say ‘Hi’ as if meeting one of my Grandmother’s friends or an Aunt. I no longer wondered what she was doing without me because I felt surrounded by love everyday. So I told her NO.
As I later heard her arguing with my Grandmother and blaming her for “turning me against her” I listened more intently to the silence that came from my Grandmother. She never defended herself. She didn’t beg for forgiveness or even say that I’d told her I didn’t want to go. Instead she took it. She took it all. The only thing I remember her saying is “I will do what is best for her” and if that meant being disliked by my Mother than “so be it“.
It was in that moment I knew for certain I didn’t need to wait anymore. Wait for her to want me or to return. I knew I would eventually need to fix or mend whatever relationship we were supposed to have in life but trying to squeeze it into the predetermined shape of a normal mother-daughter just wouldn’t work. It wasn’t us. We weren’t normal and guess what? I was finally okay with that. I had who I needed in my life and I was going to be fine.
I Will Never Leave You
The day my son was born and I looked down at his face I understood that leaving him was something I could never do. I didn’t want him to feel or carry the same weight I did as a child. The not knowing, understanding or even wanting to be given reasons why a Mother leaves. I wanted him to know from the start I Will Never Leave You. It was then I made that promise, the vow that even if I struggled, stumbled or fell in the journey of motherhood I had to be sure that …I Would Never Leave Him. To me those 5 words meant so much more than what they said. When I said them I was promising not only to never physically leave but to stop choosing me over him, to remain present in each moment we had together and to always play an active role in his life.
Struggle, Stumble or Fall…
I struggled. I was still a teenager. 18 now and wanting so badly to keep my freedom and experience that teenage life. There were nights it was so much easier to simply let my Grandmother take care of him so I could go, do, or be whatever it was I thought I was missing out on. The times I did the guilt ate at me. I would come home and she would simply hand him to me or I would look at him sleeping and think “I left you.”
I stumbled. There were the times I would stay home but would be on the phone, watching TV or even fall asleep and forget to actually be present in the moment. My Grandmother would tell me “you need to make memories with him, let him learn you, do things To-Ge-Ther“.
I even fell. I got frustrated when I would come home from classes or work and see how he looked at her with no reaction to me coming home. It hurt. I would lash out at the one woman who was my constant support and blame her for stealing my son’s love. I would see in her eyes the hurt but hear in her voice the strength as she would tell me there would be no way for her to ever steal his love for his Mother as long as I behaved As His Mother.
It was in these times I would realize, she never stole me from my Mother either. She simple became the Mother I needed. She filled an already emptied position. I just needed to make sure I never left my role as his Mother empty. If I stood firm in my role no one could fill that place with him.
When I held him, I would look at him I would often say those words to him “I Will Never Leave You”. As he grew older, he would say them back in a sing-songy way and it became something just for us. He still remembers it and says it when he hears me sharing it with his siblings.
Now that baby boy is in his 20s, and a Young Man and although we have had our ups and downs I have kept that promise and I will continue to keep it because no matter how many years he gains in number he will always be my baby and whenever he needs me he knows I will always say… “I Will Never Leave You”
Continue the journey to Finding My True Path with the next part of this series…
“He Called Me”
Have you read the rest of my story? Read them here:
Finding My True Path…{a series}
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique – build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
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