The moment my son received his acceptance letter for College I felt a weight lift off me. I’d done it. I’d accomplished one of the main things parents have on their list of things to do: make sure they make it out of High School. He was going to be attending one of the major Historically Black Colleges (HBCU) in North Carolina as well as pursuing his love of music. I was so proud and full of excitement for where he could go and what he was going to do. Yet there came a time not too long ago when I had to realize it’s not about me. That time when I had to accept that part of my son growing up into a man was learning how to let go and at times stand by as he started choosing his own path.
Living My Dream
Our journey as a family through my son’s High School years wasn’t always easy. There were times of difficulty, rebellion and discipline yet through it all I kept that goal in mind. I just wanted him to make it through High School and to the college that would give him the best foundation for life.
As a teenage parent my College dreams didn’t all go the way I planned. My dreams of attending an HBCU and being like all the kids on A Different World had to have a few adjustments when I got pregnant during my Senior year. I still attended college and still maintained my 4.0 Average yet the ‘College Life’ seemed to be something that just wasn’t meant to be for me.
So when it came time for my son to make that next step I had so many dreams for him. We talked, argued and agreed on schools throughout his Senior year. I wanted him to live in the dorms so that he could have that full College experience. I knew that it would also be easier since he was applying as a potential Marching Band member which meant he would need to be on campus 24/7 for practices.
The day we moved him into the dorms I walked around in awe. The campus was huge. We walked around and I got to see the library, the health building and so many others. The football field looked amazing and the music building was just as I had pictured it. It was as if all the buildings were from scenes in A Different World and all I could see was my son being here – in the midst of it all living my dream.
What Did He Want?
See that there. That last sentence up above. That’s where the problem began. I started thinking of everything my son was experiencing as being a part of my long lost college dreams. I wanted him to have everything I didn’t but what I didn’t consider was what he actually wanted. My son is a good kid. A great one even (yes I know I’m biased) and he has always tried his hardest to please me. My disappointment has always been his biggest weakness. Yet I forgot – or maybe ignored – all of that because of what I wanted.
Throughout the journey to College he had often said…
“I’m not like you Ma.”
“I’m not a nerd.”
“I’m not sure want to be away from home”
I saw them as simple nerves. He had never lived away from home. He was just scared and anxious. Everything would be fine. I knew he could do this. The problem was I never asked – what did he want?
It’s Not About Me
What did he really want? Out of his life, with his education, for his future. I didn’t bother to sit down and ask that at all. I’m not even sure how I skipped over that in all my planning and dreaming but I did and it wasn’t okay. So when he came to my Hubby and I at the end of Freshman year with that look he always has when he doesn’t really wanna say something I shouldn’t have been surprised.
He told us that the whole HBCU, living on campus, music major thing just wasn’t him. He explained that it had never been his dream. He wanted to achieve it because I wanted it. The moment he said that I realized how wrong I had been. I had been living out my Teenage dreams through his Teenage life and it wasn’t fair. As he continued to tel us how he needed to be home and what he really wanted to do I realized the one thing I missed that day at his High School graduation when all I could do was see the future I wanted for him. It’s not about me – it’s all about him.
It’s All About Him
My son is home now. He’s still in school – he is attending a local college where he comes home everyday and he’s making the first steps towards pursuing his dreams to be what he wants to be. He grew up admiring and watching his Dad be a hero and he has dreams very similar in paths.
It took a full school year of my dream school but I realize now this decision and these choices are his to make, not mine. I will have to live with them but more importantly so will he.
Am I okay with it? Not completely. I’m scared. I wanted so much different for him. But see that’s the thing. I have to learn to take the I out of the equation and realize this life he has is no longer about me but instead it’s all about him.
As a child, did your parents give you room to pursue your own dreams?
As a parent, have you ever struggled with giving your children room for their own dreams?
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique - build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
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22 thoughts on “It’s Not About Me | It’s All About Him”
tiffany i swear… man… i'm so happy to have "met" you through the september scopers… you are just so wonderful!
as a mom who's gone through challenges and gained lessons it's so hard not to push what we want for them on to them. kudos to you for stepping back and allowing him to walk in his path.
and tell him i said congrats on joining the coolest crew of going to an HBCU!!!!
Yay! Me too! Aww shucks…thanks! You\’re kinda awesome yourself 🙂 It is hard but I had to learn this lesson because I always want what makes him happy even if I have to let go of a bit of mine to make sure it happens.
Thanks so much! I will!
I try not to push my childhood dreams on my children. Granted, I don't really know if I'm successful or not. I didn't think my parents pushed it on me until she said something that felt that I was wasting my life. She has since apologized, but I hope I don't push it onto my children.
That’s a great way to be because they really do need to be allowed to have their own dreams. I am so glad I learned that – even if it took me a bit. I’m glad you worked things out with your parents – feeling that way must have been really hard.
I actually got a little emotional as I was reading this. I am right there with you with what we want for our kids not always being what they want. I always knew that my boys would go off to different colleges. People automatically expect twins to stay together, but they are 2 different human beings. I actually get tired of people asking me why they didn't go to the same college and I just repeat… " they are 2 separate individuals pursuing their own dreams." Then people seem to understand. I knew that one of my sons needed to stay near family, while the go-getter could make it pretty much any where. These 2 observations worked out well all though Mr. Needtostaynearfamily didn't think so at first, but quickly realized it during his first year. I'm not sure what he is going to do with his life, but I'm letting him decide his path. Mr. Gogetter may not get all he wants out of life, but he can't say I didn't allow him to try. The one thing I hate is that my parents did not allow me to pursue my dreams. I wanted to attend Hampton University, got accepted, but was told I couldn't go. My mom wanted to shelter me and keep me close to home which may have been one of her biggest mistakes. She doesn't know it. But she really should have let me soar. I would have experienced so much more and pursued my dream of nursing which was not offered at Winthrop and is one of the reason I am not a nurse today. I think I will be writing a blog piece about forgot dreams or something because I am expressing a lot here so I'm going to stop now. Great post and so glad you realized it was and IS about him!
Oh Wow! I'm glad it resonated with you. I can totally understand how you and your boys feel. Being twins doesn't mean having one identity it only means they share a birthday. Its funny how children raised in the same family can be so very different. Thank you so much for coming by and I can't wait to see your post 🙂
you are awesome and such an amazing mom. I think it's hard to let our kids grow up and let them be who they are. I don't want to let my son go, but know he is destined for a great life.
Thanks so much Karen! That means a lot. It is hard but I am so glad I learned this lesson early on. I know your son will be great in life because he has a great example in you.
Thanks, I will keep this in mind as I am encouraging my soon-to-be teen. She turns 13 in October. I dream for her to go to a four year college and am encouraging her to start now planning. 🙂 I will have to ensure that her dreams are what are most important.
Thanks Mary! Yes, i wanted the same for him but sometimes my dreams have to be less important than his. I\’m still learning that.
My parents were so wonderful about giving me room to pursue my dreams. I had a wonderful college experience. I hope to be the same with my daughter but I hope she sets her goals on college. We have a long time before we reach that point, as she is only 1. I know time will fly by though.
That is amazing! I’m sure it wasn’t always easy for them to stand back but their love shows through in that they did. The same way you will be showing your love with your daughter I am sure! Thanks so much for coming by Kate!
I am glad that I got a full college experiece but both my husband and I agree thta we are going to let the kids decide on what they want to do.
That is awesome! Letting they make their own choices means they will work that much harder at achieving them.
I am so lucky my parents were very supportive of me. It was my choice not to leave for college and they also allowed me to choose the course I wanted. Congrats to you and your son. I hope he fulfills his dreams.
You were lucky and blessed. Having the support of your parents no matter what is so important. I am just happy I have learned to get beyond myself and support what he wants. Thank you so much Esme!
My kids are younger but they are starting to dream of what to do in high school and college too. That is awesome your son has gone off to college. I hope he is successful, there are so many distractions nowadays from schooling.
That’s wonderful! I’m certain they have some amazing dreams.
Thank you so much! I hope so too…I can’t wait to see all he does in his future.
Congratulations to you and your son. I think it's a big accomplishment for the both of you. I think sometimes I have dreams for my son that he may not have. I wonder am I pushing him to do well in baseball because that's what I want for him. Sometimes I just have to take a step back and really watch and listen to what he tells me.
Thank You So Much!! It is and I think that is where I was as well. I am so happy I have learned to step back – it wasn\’t easy – but it was needed.
My baby is still a baby but I always want to push and encourage him to dream big and hopefully his dreams are similar to what I want for him! Congrats on your son's new adventure!
Dreams are such an awesome thing but the letting go can be so hard. LOL Thanks so much!