Marriage is the blending of two distinct personalities into one life. There are days it can feel like trying to mix oil and water. Days when you wonder how to keep your own identity and still function as one unit. A team. I grew up with the fairytale idea that we all have this perfect match out there and once we find them we will live happily ever after. Easy. That’s not true. At all. There is compromise and even sacrifice. There is work. Hard work that doesn’t always show results on the first, second or third try. Marriage isn’t easy but nothing worth keeping ever is.
Love Is All We Need, Right?
I have been married for nearly 13 years this summer and we have been together for close to 15. In all those years, we have each remained who we were before the vows – individuals – for better or worse. I am an opinionated, logic seeking and very stubborn person. I know this. He is a strong-willed, take charge, lead the pack kind of man. I speak everything I feel while he tends to hold on to his feelings a bit longer.
[tweetthis]Marriage Isn’t Easy: “We remained who we were before our vows – individuals – for better or worse.”[/tweetthis]
Two different personalities, viewpoints and ways of dealing with things. One a conflict avoider the other a resolver. One who needs structure the other prefers no restrictions. Yet somehow we find our place in it all. In this life we share. I handle the house, the kiddies and the day-to-day grind. He is the all-star provider who works to get his family to a place he never was. It works. We partner well – most times.
We have our moments, our days and I admit it sometimes our weeks where being partners seems close to impossible. I have my opinions and he has his. We butt heads and can’t seem to find our compromise. Do we still love each other? Of course! Yet there are times when love just isn’t enough of a filter to block out anger and hurt. We’re human. We say things we shouldn’t and words unlike the popular kids rhyme can hurt. So how do we recover? How do we move past things and stay in our marriage? Love. Love is what gives us the reason to keep going BUT it isn’t all we need to do it.
In the beginning of our marriage I would always try to end an argument before we went to bed. End the night with but I love you. Start the day the same. That got old really fast. I love you isn’t the heal all for every situation. Those three words don’t make a disagreement disappear. I love you doesn’t pay a bill, heal a hurt or help plan out your future. When problems arise change is needed. You can’t expect a change in your destination if you don’t change your direction. We would always end up muttering words that were loosing meaning simply to say they were said. That needed to change. We needed to change. As partners and as individuals. Realizing this was hard for me.
Admitting love wasn’t all we needed felt like a failure. I honestly believed that my love for my husband could make any and everything better. It wasn’t until it stopped working that I noticed I had to start working on the reason behind our problems. Placing all the pressure of our marriage on love alone was doing damage. Damage I don’t want to become irreparable.
[tweetthis]Marriage Isn’t Easy: Love can’t bear the weight of a marriage. Find the reasons behind the problems.[/tweetthis]
Getting to a place where I could acknowledge the bad in my marriage wasn’t always my husband’s fault was a struggle. I had to understand that our problems didn’t mean there was a lack of love. Problems are no more than underlying issues finding their way to the surface. Resolve them and you can find peace. Ignore them and they continue to grow unchecked. I still have to do a lot of soul-searching to help me learn that even though he has faults pointing them out without seeing my own is getting us no where.
Change Is The Key
I don’t like being wrong. I don’t. I hate it. I always try to find a way to excuse myself from error. It was because of this. You made me believe. It isn’t my fault. Yet thinking like this causes me nothing but more trouble, distress and heartache in the end. I am learning to stop finding the fault in my husband and start checking if the cause is in me. What was my motivation in this situation? How could I have handled things differently? Did I choose my words wisely or speak in anger?
[tweetthis]Marriage Isn’t Easy: “You don’t want to love someone but stop liking them.”[/tweetthis]
My words. I have always been a lover of words but how I use them has not always been something I excelled at. I am sarcastic by nature BUT sometimes that comes across at the wrong times. From what I’ve been told I have a tendency to have a ‘tone’ to my voice where my words may mean one thing but my tone gives another meaning entirely.
I am making the conscious effort to not only choose my words but my tone more carefully. I have learned not only from my husband but from friends, family and others that my tone can take an innocent intention and give the wrong impression. Being aware of that is the first key to changing it.
I’m learning to listen. Really listen as in with my mouth closed. I am always talking. I know this. I have a lot to say and don’t always know how to wait. Sometimes I talk over another person and not only is it rude but it makes it nearly impossible to truly hear what that person is saying. How unfair is that?
Doing this is just like telling the other person: I want my feelings to be heard but when you speak well…it’s not important or relevant enough for me to listen? Now most times that isn’t the why behind it. In most moments, I don’t realize what I’m doing. I get a thought and feel the need – an urgency – to get it out before I loose it. The thing is the flip side of that is I just cut off the other person’s thought in the process. Not cool at all.
It’s A Process
All of these things, these lessons are coming to me 15 years in with a man I still love with all my heart. I have been with him through struggles, joys and so much more yet I am still understanding him and how we work together. My love for him is stronger than ever but I still have room for growth and so does he. Our relationship is not perfect but we work because we work at it. We don’t give up.
What does that mean? Simply that marriage is a process. The vows are just the beginning of what it will take to make a marriage work. There are steps and levels of learning that are continual and always changing. Even though the marriage process isn’t always easy when you love someone that’s what makes it worth it.
[tweetthis]Marriage Isn’t Easy: “Marriage is a process. Keeping your vows are only the beginning of making it work.”[/tweetthis]
Love isn’t all you need but loving a person makes finding the solutions a simple challenge instead of a struggle. I’ll take on a challenge over a struggle any day. Struggles usually have no end in sight and do nothing but drain a person. A challenge is something that even when it pushes me to my limits I can still see the goals ahead of me to work towards. My marriage isn’t easy. It has it’s challenges but my love for my husband, our kids and the life we have pushes me beyond them and towards our goal of together forever.
How do you handle the un-easy in your marriage?
Do you see life as a challenge or a struggle?
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Lifestyle Blogger & Media Influencer at IT's Me, Tee
I am the ‘ Tee’ behind It's Me, Tee an award-winning Lifestyle Blog where I share my love of all things Faith, Family, Fashion, Food, Fun, Tech & Travel.
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique - build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
“Believe in yourself, your passions, and your dreams. Your voice is unique - build on that. Embrace what is different about you and make it your greatest asset!”
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33 thoughts on “Marriage Isn’t Easy”
Thank you for your thoughtful article. I have learned during our twenty-eight years of marriage that it isn't easy but it's totally worth the work to make our relationship stronger.
Thank you for coming by Erika. 28 years! Congratulations on that..you have obviously found what it means to make it work. Yes, it is totally worth it!
Yes, Yes, Yes — so much yes to this post! I agree with everything you said — marriage definitely isn't easy, and not what I thought it would be when I first jumped in. That said, it is so much more — and also so much more work, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Compromise and growing together is key.
Thank You!! Is is truly so much more…the compromise is so important and being willing to put that in will make the biggest difference. Thanks so much for coming by!
Awesome post and I have to agree marriage is not easy and when the preacher tells a couple not to enter the union lightly that is something that they need to take heed too. I believe marriage is a ministry and in order for it to work each person has to be willing to communicate with one another. Nothing can get fixed if nothing is shared.
Thanks Dee!! It isn’t and yes, entering it without being completely aware can make things so much harder. I agree. It is a ministry the wife to the husband and the husband to the wife. We each minister to each other helping to uplift and support. Communication is definitely the only way that can happen. ‘Nothing can be fixed if nothing is share.’ Wow!! So true!! Thanks so much for such great insight…
My husband and I were married for 8 years now. And I cannot agree more on this post about marriage. It really takes a lot of hardwork, patience, love and understanding to make it work. Love alone is not enough, when love runs out, your marriage is doomed. It's also about making a choice and sticking to it. In this case, sticking with your partner and your marriage.
Making a conscious choice is so important. You have to decide your marriage is what you want and that you will do all it takes to make it a success. Thanks so much Badet!
Great post! My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years and it definitely can be a challenge sometimes. But we always remember why we're together – because we love each other. I definitely like to be right all the time but have learned to acknowledge my faults.
Thank you Felicita! It is full of challenges but overcoming them is possible. That is such great advice. If you can remember the why then the how doesn’t become as big a challenge as it could be. Aaaah…yes I love being right and it isn’t always easy to admit when I’m not but it is always important. Thanks again for such a thoughtful comment and for coming by!
Great post. I've been married for almost 3 years and I agree that love is not all you need. While it helps, there's so much more needed to have and sustain a successful marriage. It's tough, probably the hardest thing I've had to do, but it's so worth it. Again, GREAT article!
~Whitney Nic James
whitneynicjames.com
#BLMGirls
Thanks Whitney! It does help. I don’t think I could continue with the lessons and changes I need to make without my love for my husband being my motivation. It is so worth it!! Thanks so much #BLMGirl 😀
This is such a great post! I really need to work on actively listening. Sometimes I find myself listening just enough to respond and that's honestly just not the way to do things. Marriage is tough, it really is. But, every day we mature a little more. Bookmarking, because this is a post I'd like to read again with my husband <3
Thank you Savannah!! I’ve done the same. Just enough for them not to notice I wasn’t completely engaged…LOL I’m getting better though. Thankfully. Thank you so much for the bookmark and I hope you and your husband enjoy the read the second time around as well 🙂
Marriage is an ongoing project. It is never finished. Over the course of our twenty-eight year marriage, my husband and I have both learned how to communicate but it didn't come easily. We are polar opposites and while that makes for interesting moments and not getting bored, it is like oil and water when a marriage is at stake. Reaching consensus has taken us years and moved us closer to ending this partnership more times than either of us likes to think about. Doing the hard work is worth it, tho if you really want to make a marriage work. 🙂
It is definitely ongoing and ever changing. We have to learn to adjust ourselves to the way our lives with each other change along the way. I\’m sure being opposites is an adventure in itself…my husband and I have such different ways of dealing with things it can be helpful but it can also be hilarious at times…Thanks so much for coming by and for such a great comment Erika..
I think this is the most beautiful part of marriage – that it's two individuals choosing to overcome their differences to live in unison and build a life together. I think that's incredible! While I am not married yet, I can see a lot of these things in my relationship. We are different people, but at the same time, we're very similar. It keeps it interesting!
Jasmine / http://www.jasminekeclipse.com
I agree. Learning how to bring together two unique personalities is on of the biggest lessons but also the most valuable especially in a marriage. It definitely helps keep thing interesting. 🙂 Thanks so much for coming by Jasmine!
This is such an interesting take. I am the opposite. I think marriage is actually really easy – the stuff that happens around it…not always so much lol. It's easy for us because I was in the wrong marriage first and took a lot of lessons with me – same with my husband. We got married "older" by society's standards – we were 37 and 38. We don't sweat the small stuff and we knew going into it – you need MUCH more than love. Love is a good part of the foundation, of course…but you need a lot of other support beams LOL. I think if you remember pride shouldn't be put first, your marriage should – you'll do okay. Thanks for the perspective. And congratulations on 13 years. That's wonderful!
Putting that way I can see why you would say marriage in itself can be easy. I see marriage as the entire thing the stuff around it and the love within it. I guess it can all truly come down to perspective. Not sweating the small stuff is a great way to eliminate uneccessary drama and issues. Thanks so much for coming by!! 🙂
Thanks for sharing! You read my mind… I've actually been thinking about starting a whole section of my blog to discuss this very topic. I've been married for five years… the best and hardest years of my life. We all need encouragement in this! Thanks for your honesty and inspiration. 🙂 Pinning this!
You should!! Good advice is never overdone. We definitely all need encouragement and uplifting at times. Thanks so much for coming by and your words of encouragement 🙂
I loved this post! It's so true that just repeating "I love you" can lose it's meaning over time! Thank you for all of the insight from your marriage!
-Erin at Stay at Home Yogi
Thanks Erin!! I think anything you begin to say out of habit can begin to lose it\’s true meaning. Thank you so much for coming by!
Marriage is harder than I ever though it could be. Though nothing worth having and keeping is ever easy. It takes hard work and like you said sacrifice. What a great post, thank you so much for sharing. #turnituptuesday
Yes. For me as well. Thank you so much for coming by and leaving a comment 🙂
I think we are very similar. I am also learning how to actively listen. I am practically a newly wed–1 yr married. One thing that I've tried recently is to not say the sarcastic things I am thinking….pause….and apologize sincerely. It's so HARD. My husband is the love of my life. My sister lost her husband a year and a half ago. It was so hard to watch her go through that pain. I could not imagine. That makes me appreciate my husband and family even more each day. I hope you have a great day!
Actively Listen. Yes. That\’s what I\’m striving for. Not just hearing it but actively listening and then acting on it. It is so hard and I\’m way past that 1 year mark…LOL It does get easier though so chin up 🙂 I can\’t imaging that loss…Yes. Appreciating and treasuring whaat you have is so important. Thanks for coming by!!
Heya!
Awesome post and so very true. I did a post like it a while back over on my own blog. But i think you sum it up more eloquently, then again you have been married longer too so you've more experience with putting it into action! Learning how to be two different people in one team was something I realised we needed to do fairly early on, but I had a lot of pschyology influences in my past to help me get there, i think a lot of people don't realise it and do think and expect love to be enough and then when it's not that in itself causes more trouble if they feel it should be. And then you're on that big old spiral out of control.
Awesome post and thnkas for sharing.
Katie from #MMBH
Thanks Katie!! Realizing that you love isn\’t all you need can be a real eye-opener and learning not to let that stop your growth was a process for sure. Thanks so much for coming by Katie!!
Thanks for sharing your story. You guys sound a lot like us.
Thank you for coming by. It\’s good to know we\’re not alone…