A little over a year ago I wrote about realizing that going to church didn’t validate my christianity. I convinced myself that not attending church wouldn’t have an impact on my salvation or who I was as a Christian. Now I am at a place where I find myself asking – who am I fooling?
don’t get me wrong.
I believe everything I said within that post was true for me at that time BUT since then I have literally stopped going At All. Like I haven’t been in months. It’s not okay. It’s not healthy for me or my family. Now the question I am forced to face is why did I stop…
In the beginning I had my reasons:
- the church is too big
- they don’t care about me
- it doesn’t feel like home
- no one will miss me
- I can teach myself
- I know how to pray
- I’ll find a new church
- It doesn’t take all of that
The list of reasons excuses I repeat to myself every Sunday could seriously be a post on it’s own. Yet that list has gotten me no where besides at home every week wondering why I feel so empty. All the justifications I keep giving myself have brought me to this post.
I’m at a place in my life where things seem to be going so well. My family is blessed, we have a home, we have our needs met and our wants as well, I am achieving my goals and dreams for this blog, my Kiddies are loved and supported – life is good. So why do I feel so bad? How can I feel alone so often? Why in the midst of the happiest moments do I feel like a piece of me is not there? Like somehow I’m still not where I should be?
being honest.
The church is my foundation. It always has been. I was raised going 2-3 even 4 times a week. I rebelled and returned. Rebelled and returned. This has been my pattern for as long as I remember. It feels like I am in that rebel phase again yet this time it’s different. This time I’m not running from a mistake or judgement, honestly I’m not even mad about anything. I’m not sure why I haven’t been back or what’s keeping me away. In my heart I still long for HIM. The peace, comfort and joy HE brings but each time I try to make that move to go back I come up short.
I find more of those reasons…
- my head hurts
- I stayed up late last night
- I woke up too late
- we need family time
- I can go next week
Writing this today is a struggle. I sit here telling myself how it isn’t worth writing. None if this is that big a deal. Then I realize that’s what I’ve been saying to myself these past few months. Going wasn’t worth it. Staying home wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want to face the issues. I kept convincing myself they didn’t lay with me – it was the church, the people, the commute, the sacrifice, life – it was everything BUT Me. Yet now I realize it IS me.
something has happened.
There’s a disconnect where I feel almost scared to open myself to the feelings I know will come with a renewed relationship with God. I was a minister, a preacher, a teacher and a follower. I knew where my destiny was and never thought I would stop. I would pray without ceasing and see the results. Yet now when I go to pray I stop just short of that break through. Just short of the answer. Just short of HIS instructions. As soon as I feel my emotions coming to the surface I back up. But why?
That’s the thing I need to figure out. I know I have been stalling on the plans I know HE has for me. The path he set before me so many years ago. That mission, calling and purpose. I have been scared to be what HE called me to be. Yet now it feels like I can’t run anymore. The longing I have to enter into His presence without restraint is becoming overwhelming. I reminisce on the joy I had, the peace, the knowing that through it all there was HIM. I look back on who I was in HIM and I miss her. I miss that strength, confidence and determination I held that in the face of All Things I would BE what HE called me to be.
how do I get back?
How do I move past my fears of what may be in my future, the sacrifices I may need to make and instead simply be. Be what He has always called me to be. I know where the answers lay. I’ve taught how to get there still it feels foreign. Like a place I knew so long ago but now that I return seems so unfamiliar. The paths unclear and the memories faded. Still I know how to find my way. He has given me the tools, the guides and the support I need. The church. It is there because I need it. No, I may not need to go every single Sunday or 3-4 times a week but I still need it. The church is not the people it is the place where God has set aside a sanctuary for His people. A place to find that peace and the way back that some of us may not be able to get back to on our own.
so now what?
I’m not sure. Another Sunday has passed and I did not make my way through those doors. Yet even now as I write my heart is breaking for His presence. I miss Him and I know He misses me. I need a reunion with the One who has never left me but who I have definitely neglected. I need to get back. It will be a day-to-day, prayer-by-prayer, release-by-release process. I have to study, worship, praise and know that HE can handle all that I’ve been holding on to by myself. I don’t have to be alone. I don’t have to do it all.
So the now what has no real answer besides now begins the work. The best part about making my way back is knowing that HE is already waiting there for me because after all who am I fooling – besides myself?
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51 thoughts on “who am I fooling?”
This is truly beautiful! Just like you stepped out on faith and began this life of blogging, you can step right back into church. Don't worry about anyone else because it is about you and your God. No one else matters and if they have something to say that is something they have to answer to God about. Take that step. He's waiting no matter when you decide. God Bless : )
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Thank you so much Lowanda! You\’re right..faith steps are not always the easiest to make but they are always worth it! I am learning to care less about how others judge me and more about the One who\’s judgement truly matters. Thank you so much for the amazing words of encouragement! Love Ya Girl!
I'm glad I read this. It made me feel better in a way. I grew up in a home where we didn't always go but it held a high standard for HIM which is sort of a contradiction and I often feel guilty for not going like I should. It's nice knowing I'm not alone. We will both find our way back one day.
Yay! I\’m glad you came by. You are definitely NOT alone. I made my way back last week and I am determined to keep going.
I understand what you're going through I've been there myself. Just give it time and you will soon know when the time is right and what you need to do.
Thank you! I actually made it back this weekend and it felt so great to be back. I know that I am on the right path.
I guess we all go thru something like that at one point in our life … the main thing is to stick to your believes … thanks for sharing #Alittlebitofeverything
You’re right. I am just happy to say I am finding my way through it. Thanks so much for coming by and hosting!
I feel like we ALL go through dry spells in our faiths from time to time, but the key is to just keep focusing and reflecting and praying and let yourself get back on track with God. He'll always take you back. Always. <3
Coming Up Roses
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I agree Erica. I think as long as I don’t completely forget. The fact that I feel the urge means something to me. I am definitely on track to finding my way back. Thanks so much xoxoxo
I have had similar struggles in the past I totally can relate. I also stopped going 3 weeks ago but I was recoverying from surgery. Why is it so hard to bring myself back? How ever I will say I have been spending good time with Abba meanwhile I do NOT want to lose his presence ever again! I know I must try to go back this week because we SHOULD have the fellowship of the brethern! All your reasons you listed for the past is same as mine I go to a large church I felt they will not miss me etc etc etc … but I realize Mrs. Tee it's not all about ME its all about HIM and I should go for him and while there find someone else who is lonely or struggling somehow and bless them amen!!!!!!!!!! I subscribe to your blog but I do so many I am happy I was led to read this via the link up I just saw it in! I will pay better attention to my emails to find your posts! I would love a visit from you sometime at mine 🙂 Its been a while!
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I think it is just like a habit…once you break it restarting it can be so difficult. You are so right! It is not about me at all..I thin that’s where I had to get to realize that what I needed was more of HIM and less of me. Thank you so much for coming by Suzie! I totally get what you mean I am subscribe to many as well…I am happy you came by for this post and that we had a chance to connect in this way. 😀 I will be sure to stop by!
I understand. I've been feeling the same way lately. I also grew up where go to church was like going to school, it was just where I was suppose to be. At one time I felt that because I had a strong faith, I was okay not going. Something is missing now I and I need to get it back, so I understand when you say you miss HIM. Great post!
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It was just like that. There was no real question as to where we would be on a Sunday because it just was. Now I realize there was a reason behind it all. I do miss HIM and that\’s why I need to go. Thanks so much and thanks for coming by!
I have the same problem… I miss my smaller church and find excuses not to go to the big one in my new town. I guess I just need to get over it and go… it's hard though! Good luck!
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Yes! That’s exactly how I feel but I think you’re right. I too need to just get over it and go. Thanks so much Betsy and have a great weekend!
With anything in life once you get in a habit it gets much easier and feels as if you never stopped
You’re right. The same way not going became a habit I am determined to make going back my new habit.
WOw I love how raw and honest this post is. I also need to get back to the church and feel like you were speaking right to me!
Thanks so much Jessica! I’m glad you could relate 😀
While it is our obligation to attend church, you are right when you said it doesn't validate your Christianity. What counts are the good deeds you do, the way you love your life and yes, being honest to yourself.
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Yes, that\’s true. It is your life and how you live it that matters most. Thank you for your encouragement.
It's good having these personal conversations with yourself. Sometimes we have to step a way from a certain element temporarily to true see the impact that it had on our lives. Going to church or whatever faith based ceremony can be spiritually fulfilling and up lifting.
It really is Regina. Sometimes taking a step back and away from a situation is the only way to really see it. Thanks so much for coming by!
I feel you. I know it is hard to be in your state. But know that you have the capacity to seek Him. I pray that you get answers to your questions soon.
Thanks Maurene…I know I will get pass this.
I find this post to be honest, true and heartfelt. I know what you are feeling and have been there myself. I call it the feeling of being called to do more. Knowing that we are chosen to do a great work, yet slightly not wanting to step in to what he would have us to do. My advice is to just lay it all out to him. Your fears, your disappoints, your anger and your confusion. I believe once you do that, you will fill a sense of peace and love.
Hello Dia! Thank you. Yes! That\’s exactly what it is. Like I\’m not in the right place yet but I\’m not moving forward either. Thank you so much – I am trying to do just that. To let go of the control I am always so used to having and just be guided by Him and his will for me.
I definitely can relate to this post. For so many years I was in the wrong church and then I ended up taking a bit of a church break. Then I really took the time to just church hop for a few months until I found one that fit my needs and that I believed would be a good fit for my kids. I think you'll find the right the church for you and your family too. The most important thing is that you've realized that you do need that fellowship with other Christians and a spiritual advisor because honestly fellowship with other Christians helps us grow and can help us get stronger in our faith.
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That’s so amazing Elizabeth. There have been many times when I’ve thought I am the only one in this situation. Still I know I can’t be. I never left my first church until I got married and I think I was in shock. My home church was family (literally) my Aunt was the Pastor, my Grandmother the head Deacon and I was a Youth Minister. Leaving for me was something I never thought would happen. When it did I don’t think I knew what to look for or what to expect. I’m not sure I do yet. I am praying and searching for the place God has for me and my family.
I think He and all the others will forgive you. You need to get past the negative mind-set that people, or your church will not "allow" you back in. When I bet they will be there with open arms, asking where you were in the first place 🙂 Don't be too hard on yourself my sweet! I hope you are just in a small mini funk and then pop on out of it soon 🙂
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I know He will. Honestly He is the main one I was ever concerned about. You\’re right I do and I think I am making progress. I pray I find the place meant for both my family and I. Thanks so much Nancy for the wonderful encouragement…it means so much!
Tee,
God is not mad at you. Actually he rejoices over you with much delight and singing. I think what's hard for us is that when God calls us it is to a place of discomfort where we stand face to face with ourselves and the reality yet His righteousness covers our misteps and mistakes. Sweet sister, Jesus is a gentleman and is bidding you come. He longs to hear from you and see you and wants you to be encouraged by His body.
Our achievements make very horrible gods because they cannot hold the weight of our expectations. There is no faith in safe. It is time to step out of the boat and walk on water. Do what your heavenly Father desires. He holds your hand and won't let you slip. It's time for you to return home 😉
Thanks Kimberly! This really helps me – a lot! It feels like a hug and prayer through my screen. I appreciate you and how you allowed god to speak through you to me today. Thank you so much!
Church and my faith are also my foundations as they're like a floor for me to walk on. Life is both good and bad and we just need something or someone to keep on inspiring us to continue our deeds to fulfill our goals. Just keep praying and time will come for you to be confident and trust that you are not alone.
“like a floor for me to walk on”
I love that! It is exactly like that. It is like an anchor when life gets to be just a bit to much and I’ve been feeling to waves because I let go when I should have held on even tighter. I thank you so much for the encouragement and understanding…I will pray on.
Mrs Tee, in my humble opinion, FAITH is un-breakable, it does not dissolve just because you don't walk into a building every Sunday. There are people that walk into that building every Sunday, sing up a storm, yell hallelujah and then spend the rest of the week blaspheming, gossiping and indulging in all other kinds of shall we say, 'wrong doings'. Your absence from any specific building is not an absence of FAITH. Religion is often times a business, a big business and powerful one, that asks for specific amounts of your money and time, that building is a preacher's interpretation of God's word. You can read it yourself and still be powerful in your Faith, never doubt that. But if the comfort of a the ceremony of the tradition of a service helps you to affirm and deepen your Faith than by all means work with yourself to get there as often as YOU feel you need to. If you make your attendance a 'pressure' you are losing out on the exact reasons you want to be there. Be gentle on yourself and share with him that your heart seeks his shelter and to direct you to a church of kindred spirits. Sometimes the impetus to stick with it comes with being in a church where YOU truly feel his presence move through everyone. A place where you instantly feel 'uplifted' and 'alive'. Find that place and you will go more often naturally and effortlessly. Wising you love, light, peace and guidance today!
Tracy @ Ascending Butterfly
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Tracy you are so right. Everything you just said is what I wrote in that first post nearly a year ago. I had become to bound by the obligation of attendance that I lost the joy of it. Yet I started to let that confidence in what I didn\’t need make me forget what I did need. I need to get back to that place where I seek His presence simply for the joy of being there. No pressure, no force just to be with Him.
Thank you so much for such an amazing uplift and support. I truly appreciate YOU!
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You can be spiritual and not be religious. Find a holy place/place of worship that is not restricting and that is accepting…even if it is a small shrine in your own home.
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You may be right. I think the toughness I feel towards my choices is in that I know what\’s best for me, what works for me…yet I did the opposite and now I am feeling the results. I am searching for that place and I trust that God will lead me there. Thanks so much for the words of support. xoxo
You just have to make that step…and try to find the best place for you and your family. Don't feel bad, I too grew up in church and in college I did the same thing. I rebelled and didn't go but once its in you, its in you…I found a church in the town I was living in at the time and I started going. I didn't go every Sunday but I went more than I was going and I immediately felt better. So I think you just have to search and find somewhere that you are comfortable going and go. Don't beat yourself up if you don't make it every week but just make an effort to go a couple Sunday's a month.
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You’re right. I think moving out of the comfort zone I have made for myself is definitely the first step. I am so grateful for my foundation and the fact that my spirit won’t let me rest. That says something. I am praying for guidance to find somewhere that fits both where I am and where I need to be. Thanks so much Carissa…I needed that.
I love this post and can relate so much! I grew up attending church very regularly like you did. I've always valued my relationship with Christ, and so my husband and I have made time with God and church time a priority. But ever since having our son last year, it's like we look for reasons not to go sometimes, which is sad, I know. We just had a "dry spell," where we went nearly two months without going, but over breakfast Sunday morning, I told him I wanted to go to church. So we got dressed and went somewhere new, and I found myself crying (quietly) during the worship and service. I knew God was speaking to me and was calling us back to His house. We've rededicated ourselves to Him and are determined to make it to church each week now. It makes our weeks so much better!
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Thanks Kate! I think I have reached that point too…where I know I need to be back. I\’m so happy you made it back as well..thanks so much for the encouragement and for coming by!
Just found your blog on the Peony Project. Looking forward to reading more of your posts. Have a blessed day!
Hello Marla! Thanks so much for coming by – I look forward to connecting further.